Movin’ On Up
Because of a GRAPHIC description of a natural body process that women (half of the population) go through monthly – this article is anonymous.
7:45 am: I leave my home. It’s raining heavily. I put up my umbrella and decide to indulge my craving and grab a drink from the nearby coffee shop.
7:57 am: I leave the coffee shop and start walking towards the bus stop about two blocks away.
7:58 am: I feel my maxi pad begin to shift slightly.
8:02 am: Though I have only traveled a block and a half, my pad has managed to travel all the way from between my legs to my butt. I cannot believe this has happened. Fortunately I’m wearing skinny jeans so it doesn’t fall out. The more I walk, the more it rides up.
8:03 am: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STICKY FLAPS???
8:06 am: I decided it was better to risk it than to be late to work. I got on my first bus of the morning and sat down, covertly trying to shift the pad back to its rightful place. Alas, it was of no use.
8:15 am: I panic about possibly bleeding through my clothes onto the bus seat and starting a mutiny.
8:29 am: I get off the first bus, hoping the second bus will be different but alas, in walking half a block to the next bus stop my bad rides up so far that it’s practically poking out of the waistband of my pants
8:30 am: The bus stop is crowded and the bus is delayed. I casually put my hand in my back pocket and try to inch the pad back down – you know, as people waiting for the bus do. There’s no restrooms nearby to adjust it and it is still raining.
8:32 am: The outline of my pad is definitely visible through my jeans. Awesome.
8:44 am: The bus finally arrives and I dart to the back, which is completely empty. I sit down and do something I never thought I would do on public transit: I put my hand all the way down my pants. It doesn’t quite work the first time, so I do it again.
8:45am: I feel pretty good about myself until I realize that the pad is pretty much just deeper in my butt.
8:46 am: ay-nal paaad.
8:47 am: I contemplate what it will be like to see a Gothamist headline about a woman sticking her hand in her pants on a bus – not once but TWICE – and grainy MTA footage of myself leaning forward, left hand in my ass.
8:47 am: I prepare a media statement to apologize to my fellow New Yorkers.
8:50 am: This is what I get for trying to buy organic?
8:55 am: god dammit I forgot to pack a lunch
9:06am: I get off the bus. It’s still raining. I have about a half a mile walk to my office. The pad has left my anus and is back to its old ways. After 500 feet I want to die because it keeps riding up. I push my purse so that I’m carrying it slightly behind me and it distracts from my pad.
9:07 am: JUST. GET. TO. THE. RESTROOM.
9:18 am: I finally make it and go straight to the restroom. I’m alone. I hang up my bag and umbrella on the stall hook. I don’t even sit down. I yank my pants off to assess the damage. The good news: minimal bleeding. The bad news: the pad fell into the toilet.
